I have started this post so many times I’ve lost count. My heart was guiding me to write it because I know I’m not alone, but there was also a part of me that was worried about what others might think and I don’t like talking about my mother. I love her even though she is the way she is… So, you sou see, I have this recurring dream that is so disturbing that every time I have it I wake up in a panic, frozen, with tears rolling down my face, so terrified I literally can’t even get out of bed.
The dream leaves me exhausted and filled with sadness every time. While details vary to some extent each time I have this dream, the basic premise is that my mother is the abusive mother she was during my childhood. I always feel somehow trapped in the dream, like I can’t escape the situation and I always have this physical sensation of wanting to unzip my skin and crawl out of it.
My childhood was a nightmare. My mother was violent, scary, and abusive towards me. As a child, I believed my mother was the victim of a hard life, as she fancies herself. I still can’t get over my self-loathing about being her daughter. Sometimes I see my mother in my features, particularly my hands, and it kills me. Sometimes I sense my mouth is smiling like hers and I have to abort my happy face. Because I have her genes and am still in touch with her, I feel I’m never going to be able to separate myself from the pain of my childhood.
I should accept the fact that she has no power over me anymore but it’s just so fucking difficult. I feel so lonely sometimes. It’s hard to talk about certain things to people without feeling like a drama queen or a complainer. People judge so much nowadays, like really? In a world full of hate, be a light! Be kind ♥
I have frequent nightmares in which I dream she’s diminishing me in front of everyone and just physically abusing me. Last night I dreamed it again, the idiot that sexually abused me was also in my dream, he and most of my mother’s family laughing at me while my mother was beating the life out of me. I think what triggered this nightmare was my visit to the psychiatrist where I had to talk and remember stuff about my childhood.
That’s what I hate most about changing doctors frequently, I have to go back to the past that I want to forget. Talk about things that trigger me. So many questions, and so much talking about medication changing like I’m a guinea pig. I don’t want that. Seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist for the first time is really scary, but I’m glad I’ve got a good psychiatrist this time. But I can’t say the same about my GP.
A few days ago I had my GP laugh at my complaints about a ganglion cyst I have on my hand. I’ve had two surgeries on the same spot but the cyst came back after a couple of years and the pain is bothering me a lot. The GP said, “Why would you want surgery on something so small?” – Because It’s hurting? If It wasn’t bothering me that much I wouldn’t be there! I can handle pain like a boss. But having my hand hurt like this is preventing me from doing things I like. I can’t even hold a glass of water properly without pain (yes I like drinking water – insert sarcasm here).
This post is just to vent a bit, might delete this shit later.