Has anyone else been dumped by their doctor?
It took me some time to figure out how to write this article. I have so many emotions running through me that it’s hard to try to organize them. I decided to finally sit down, collect my thoughts and try to write everything down. I needed to understand why I felt so heartbroken.
I’ve seen four different therapists since the winter of 2020. I was going through a serious rough patch, and I knew I needed to seek help — so I did. I live with anxiety and bipolar disorder, mostly depression, and yes, both illnesses come hand in hand. I learned that anxiety and depression are kind of like best friends. I learned a lot in therapy over the last two years. I changed and became a whole new person — a person I never thought I would become.
Even though my depression got better throughout the years, my anxiety is still really high. I still let my mind and thoughts control me, and I just cannot help it. I am on medication for both my illnesses, but I still have to put in work in order to conquer my demons.
I have a rough time trying to meditate. I constantly have to battle myself because I cannot sit still and focus. The past months have also been rough, and August is when I felt heartbroken because of my Psychiatrist. The one person who I trusted more than anything — the one person who has seen me at my worst — has given up on me. I know I should probably phrase the words “given up” differently, but there’s no other way to explain how I feel than that.
Crushed. Hurt. Alone.
I was feeling crap as usual, and I was told that I should look for someone else because she couldn’t help me anymore. I was in this huge rut and she didn’t know how to help me, someone else might. Who though?? I feel terrible, sad, angry, hopeless, and despairing. I’ll get over this I suppose, when I can think a little clearer. All that is going through my head now is “what’s wrong with me that nothing helps?”
I could not be fixed. I will always remain broken.
If my own therapist couldn’t help me, can anybody? I’m so wrapped up in my anxiety that I’m high on it. My illness has me at a speed of 90, and I can’t stop it. I can’t stop it no matter how hard I want it to stop. I didn’t ask for this. I don’t like being miserable.
The one person who was there with me when I felt numb and lost when I couldn’t do things because of my depression— that one person told me she can’t help me, and I’ve never felt this heartbroken. Maybe she doesn’t have the tools to help me in the way I need.
Depression is an awful disorder that just keeps going like a roller coaster so to speak. I just don’t know what to do.
Trigger Warning
But what happens if in one of these moments your doctor gives up?
Suicide.
As a seriously ill person, I can honestly say that I have given up. Many times. I have lain on my floor praying that someone would kill me. I have taken too many pills hoping that I would die.
We give up. After years of trying. Years of bipolar medication. Years of side effects. Years of therapy. Years of doctors. Years of hospitals. We give up. We’re done.
I hate to put it that bluntly but that’s what happens. When the one person in the world who is supposed to help you throws you to the lions, there is very little to stop you from dying. I would think that “health care professionals” would understand that and take action to prevent it, but they don’t seem to. I don’t know why.
If you’re like me, you’re going to want to throw yourself in front of a car. Don’t do that. You’re going to want to hurt yourself. Don’t do that. You’re going to want to stop taking your medication. Don’t do that.
The fact is that no matter how many treatments you have tried, there are always more. There are almost innumerable combinations of medications available. Yes, I understand, it’s like looking for a needle in a stack of needles, but it’s still true: there are always more drugs. There is vagus nerve stimulation (VNS), there is repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation (rTMS), there is electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), they’re so on. Giving up is bull.
What To Do If Your Doctor Gives Up
Get a referral. To someone new. To someone different. Just because your existing doctor can’t think of anything, it doesn’t mean that no doctor can. This is your doctor’s failure, not yours. It sounds like the end of the road, but it isn’t. It’s just the end of the road for one doctor.
Get enough meds. It’s going to take time to get a new doctor, so make sure you have enough meds. Do not go off your medication – even if an idiotic doctor tells you to. Never go off meds without a doctor’s direct supervision.
Get help from others. Even if you understand it isn’t your fault, a doctor giving up on you is going to sting. It’ll probably upset you no matter what you do, so try to get yourself into a safe place with safe people who can help you get that new doctor and take care of you while you’re down.
This is Not Your Fault
You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t fail. A doctor’s abandonment is their failure, not yours. It hurts, it sucks and it’s hard, but there is life after patient dismissal.