Sometimes it feels like society says you should be always happy, and that showing your sadness is a sign of weakness. What the fuck? If you were to hold in all your sadness or anger you would explode. We all have good and bad days. No one can be perfectly happy all of the time, that is not human. One day I feel on top of the world, the next I’m down.
Dealing with this pressure to always seem happy it’s so challenging. Sometimes when I’m feeling down, I put on a mask to hide the darkness that lies behind the smile. I am tired, completely and utterly tired. No, actually I’m exhausted of having to fake being ok all the time when I’m actually not. I wish I didn’t have to hide it for so long, I wish people could understand and stop judging.
Some weeks are better than others. Some weeks I feel empty inside. So emotionless, so exhausted from hearing my own belligerent thoughts, that it seems dying would be a better alternative to continuing life with the emotions I currently feel trapped in. It’s not right, but it’s what I am hearing as I go through my day to day activities.
And that’s not okay.
Let me clarify, it’s okay that I am not okay. Okay to accept I am not perfect. Continuing to pretend like I’m strong so that no one should doubt my capabilities, pretending I am inhuman so I can continue keeping up an appearance — it only lasts so long.
Every day I have to force myself out of bed. Sometimes I have the energy to do my make-up and hair so I can keep up appearances well. So well, sometimes I can even fool myself. Sometimes I can barely put my thoughts together without bursting into tears.
I don’t know if things will ever go back to the way they used to be. What I do know, is that admitting that I’m not doing too well, even to myself, wasn’t easy.
Why do we always feel the need to be strong? Why do we feel guilty when taking a time-out? I was overwhelmed with such guilt. How can I sit here and cry and feel sorry for myself, when I have some much to be grateful for?
It’s not okay that I have lived a life that makes me have to take a deep breath and remind myself that it’s okay not to be okay.
What’s most important is to give me permission to get better. So that I’m “not okay” turns into an “okay”.
I have to resist feeling “bad” just because it seems like I’m the only one who feels lonely, lost, or unmotivated- I’m not.
A reminder for myself and for you
Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing and remember that we all know what it’s like to “not be okay” even if most of us don’t talk about it. All those feelings are normal, we all go through this sometimes. Is it a fun place to be? Fuck no. But it doesn’t last forever.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned, it’s that the more you resist feeling “bad”, the worse you’ll feel. Yes, you have to keep trying to get better, but don’t force it- allow yourself to heal and learn to be patient with yourself. Think of those bad days, like a passing cloud- you can’t see the sun, but you know it’s there. You know that eventually, it will come out.
Make sure that you’re not spending most of your time on the couch, make sure that you get a shower, your laundry is done, your bed is made- these are all things that will make you feel much better while you’re trying to work through your problems. You don’t have to keep up with all your usual chores, take it easy if you must, but sticking to your routine, even partially, can make a big difference.
When you get in that funk, it’s very easy to start blaming yourself, or others for your problems. It’s very important that despite whatever it is that you’re going through, you forgive both yourself and anyone else you might be blaming. I think that we all tend to be way too hard on ourselves, overanalyzing every situation that might have played out differently if we made a different decision, etc.
It’s okay to not be okay. You’re allowed to change your mind, take a break or leave a situation you don’t feel comfortable in. There’s no need to blame yourself for any of those things just like there’s no need to feel bad about… feeling bad.
We should all be allowed to fall apart sometimes so that we can find ourselves all over again.
If you want the rainbow you have to put up with the rain.
I haven’t been writing on this blog for months.
I need to write more, not for people but for myself. It makes me feel better