I’m tired.
No, that’s not even the word. I’m fatigued, exhausted, drained. I’m tired in a way that can’t be fixed with a good night’s sleep.
I’m tired of reintroducing myself and my mental illnesses. I’m tired of being asked, “How are you?” And not knowing how to respond. Do I say, Yes, I’m fine, I’m safe, I’m functioning! Or do I say, I don’t know why but my brain seems to think my entire life is a horror movie?
I’m tired of having to emotionally prepare to self-advocate when I need medical care.
I’m tired of people thinking I’m just overreacting and being hypochondriac.
I’m tired from overthinking and drained from trying to make everyone other than myself happy. I’m so far from content it’s disgusting.
I’m tired of a good night’s sleep being the exception rather than the rule. I’m tired of using all my free time for self-care rather than pursuing my passion projects and hobbies.
I’m tired of relying on caffeine to get through the day and then being critiqued on my caffeine intake.
If you’re living with a mental illness, you’re already aware of how exhausting it is to complete even the most mundane tasks. This perpetual state of exhaustion can be confusing to friends and family who don’t truly understand what it’s like living with a mental illness and chronic pain.
People with mental illness can’t sleep properly because our minds won’t shut off…
I’m tired of people giving me comments like, “Why are you always tired?” “Just suck it up deal with it,” “It’s just a lack of discipline,” “It’s all in your head,” “Stop being so pessimistic” “Stop complaining” and “Stop being so lazy.”
I’m not sure I even know what it feels like anymore to have lots of natural energy or spend a day without your brain or body freaking out. I know it can happen and I want so badly for it to happen and no one knows how to get there.
So when I say I’m tired… just know we’re talking about years and years of physical and emotional fatigue.