What do you do when you know you’re falling into the deep pits of depression… again? You’ve been through this before. You’ve hurt yourself before and those who care about you. You beat this devil before. Why is the battle resurfacing again? You’ve been strong. You jumped through the hurdles that life threw at you. What changed? You grew distant. That’s what changed.
Today, I had a fucking relapse. Out of fucking nowhere, it hit me. The thought of dying crossed my mind again today. It’s not pleasant. I hate it.
So, typing this right now as I sit, staring blankly into my computer screen in my oh so familiar bedroom.
Depression is like a ghost of your own self and sometimes it even brings friends: anxiety and self-harm. You can’t see it and you think it’s gone. But every once in a while it makes you feel its presence again. You put your suit of armor around yourself and just carry on. Slowly, with time and the scratches from the attacks made by depression, the armor gets rusty and starts cracking with every new attack. Finally, you’re just there with no defense. Vulnerable and weak.
The last time you let people help you. Because you knew you needed help. But you saw what you put them through and it just hurt. You beat this devil with some help. Now times are tough again. Turns out you’re not as strong as you thought you were or maybe the troubles are just too troubling. Whatever it is, you know what being hurt feels like and that is why you don’t want to hurt those who care about you… again.
So you try to cope with it on your own. Walking around with the ghost that you can see now, sucking on your happiness and your soul, as it’s leaving you numb. It may wander off here and there from time to time but it leaves its eerie presence. You don’t want to fall to its prey. You run and run and run but it just follows you everywhere you go. The moment of weakness comes and you let the ghost take over. You give up.
What you need to do, my friend is accept that yes, you made a mistake in that said moment of weakness. But mistakes can always be rectified. Maybe you hurt someone, even yourself. Maybe you screwed up something important. Don’t worry. There’s always a second chance. If there’s not, life has something better coming. Hope is the only armor you need. Friendship and love are the only weapons you will need. Close the distance and ask for a helping hand. Hopefully, someone will be there for you.
Sorry for the post. I just wanted to vent somewhere. You guys probably don’t care, but I just needed to write it all out.
Stay strong in the battle against mental illness.