I’m not sure how to explain how horrible my mental health has been lately. I’m not okay does not seem powerful enough. It doesn’t get the point across.
Sad does not do my feelings justice. Neither is frustrated. Or lost. The pain is ongoing and unexplainable. I don’t have the energy to search for a better phrase, to find some magical way to make others understand.
It’s not like there is anyone to tell anyway. I keep picking up my phone, desperate to reach out to friends, but there is no one for me to text. There are people who will read my message and ignore me without bothering to type out a reply. There are other people who will go back and forth with me for a few minutes, saying generic things like I’ve been so busy lately and we should catch up soon. But there’s no one who will lift my mood. No one will stick around long enough for me to tell them the truth about what I have been going through recently.
I feel like no one cares about me. No one wants to talk to me. No one wants to hang out with me. Every single day is a repeat of the last because there is nowhere for me to go, nothing for me to do.
The worst part is I can’t even express that thought because the moment I mention how alone I feel, there are people who argue with me. People who claim they love me. But where are they right now? Where have they been the past few days, weeks, months? Where is the proof they care? I can’t find any.
I feel alone.
I am alone.
But I cannot surrender to this feeling. I cannot mope around the house while wearing yesterday’s clothes. I have to stop myself from spiraling. I have to rescue myself. I have to be there for myself. I have to act as my own best friend.
I might feel like nobody cares — but I can change that. I can start caring about myself. I can climb out of bed. I can brush my teeth. I can shower. I can face the day with my head high and back straight.
Instead of making myself feel better with hard-to-believe cliches about how I am never actually alone and how there are plenty of people who love me, I am going to make myself feel better by saying screw them. I do not need them. They are not essential to my survival. They are not worth crying tears over. At least not for such a large stretch of time.
Maybe one day I will stumble across a group of people, or even just a single person, who makes me feel less alone. Maybe they will become my new home. My new place of peace.
But until that day arrives, I have to be okay walking through this world alone. I have to remember my relationship with myself matters more than my relationship with anybody else.