Top 7 Covert Narcissist Discard Signs: Recognize the Red Flags

Dealing with a covert narcissist can be confusing, especially when they go through the discard phase. They often disguise their manipulation with passive-aggressive behavior and subtle emotional withdrawal. As someone who has experienced this firsthand, I know how difficult it can be to understand what’s really happening. But trust me, recognizing the signs of a covert narcissist’s discard phase is essential to protecting yourself.

What Is a Covert Narcissist?

A covert narcissist is a subtype of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Unlike overt narcissists who are obvious in their grandiosity, covert narcissists hide their self-centeredness behind a façade of humility and vulnerability. On the surface, they might seem sensitive or even self-deprecating, but beneath that mask lies someone who craves constant validation and is always looking to manipulate others.

Example: Think of someone who constantly plays the victim to gain sympathy, but when you need support, they withdraw or deflect, making it about them instead.

Characteristics of Covert Narcissists

1. Fragile self-esteem
   Covert narcissists often have low self-worth and seek validation from others to feel good about themselves. They may appear modest or humble, but that’s just a cover for their need for attention.
   Example: They’ll downplay their achievements while secretly hoping you’ll notice and praise them for it.
2. Lack of empathy
   Like other narcissists, covert narcissists struggle to understand or care about others’ feelings. Their world revolves around their own needs.
   Example: If you’re upset, they might brush off your feelings, focusing instead on how your emotions inconvenience them.
3. Manipulative behavior
   They use emotional manipulation to get what they want, often hiding it behind a “poor me” act.
   Example: They might guilt-trip you into doing something by making you feel like the bad guy if you don’t.
4. Passive-aggressive tendencies
   Covert narcissists often avoid direct confrontation, opting for indirect sabotage instead, like withholding affection or using sarcasm. Example: They may ignore you for days, making you question what you did wrong, but never actually communicate what’s bothering them.
5. Envy and resentment
   If they see others succeeding or being admired, covert narcissists often feel threatened and may try to undermine them.
   Example: They may dismiss someone else’s accomplishments, saying, “They’re lucky, but they didn’t work as hard as you.”
6. Hypersensitivity to criticism
   Covert narcissists appear modest but are incredibly sensitive to any form of criticism. If you point out their flaws, they’ll either lash out defensively or retreat into self-pity.
   Example: If you gently point out that they were wrong, they’ll act like they’re the victim of an attack.

What Is the Discard Phase?

The discard phase is when a narcissist devalues a person after initially idealizing them. The narcissist will shift from showering you with affection to treating you with coldness, disdain, or emotional distance. They may even gaslight you, making you question your perception of reality.

During this phase, the narcissist may abruptly withdraw their love and become distant, as they seek new sources of admiration or narcissistic supply elsewhere. The purpose? To regain control and maintain their ego by devaluing and discarding you.

Example: One minute, everything feels perfect. Your partner is telling you how special you are. Next, they’re ignoring your texts and pulling away, leaving you questioning what happened or if you did or said anything wrong.

Covert Narcissist Discard Signs

1. Sudden withdrawal and emotional distance
   You might notice a sudden change in their behavior, emotional withdrawal, lack of interest, or disconnection. They stop engaging in the same activities you once enjoyed together.
   Example: If they suddenly stop showing interest in your day or avoid making future plans, it’s a clear sign they’re emotionally pulling away.
2. Blame-shifting
   Covert narcissists rarely take responsibility for the end of a relationship. Instead, they’ll make you feel at fault, even if their actions were the cause.
   Example: They might say, “If you weren’t so needy, this wouldn’t have happened,” making you question your own needs and emotions.
3. Idealization of new sources of attention
   As soon as the discard happens, they may quickly turn to someone else for validation, whether it’s a new romantic partner, friend, or acquaintance.
   Example: They’ll suddenly start talking about how amazing someone else is, trying to make you feel like you’re not measuring up.
4. Gaslighting
   Covert narcissists love to make you doubt your own reality. During the discard phase, they may gaslight you, deny things they’ve said or done, and present a warped version of events.
   Example: “I never said that. You’re imagining things,” even when you have clear evidence.
5. Lack of empathy and disregard for emotions
   During the discard phase, they completely disregard your feelings. They show little concern for how their behavior affects you.
   Example: If you express hurt or confusion, they may say, “You’re being overly dramatic,” or simply ignore your emotions altogether.
6. Silent treatment and stonewalling
   They may give you the silent treatment, refusing to communicate or acknowledge your attempts to talk. This is their way of maintaining control and manipulating you emotionally.
   Example: You try reaching out, but they ignore your calls or messages, leaving you feeling isolated and rejected.
7. Hoovering
   After the discard phase, they may try to draw you back into their web by using tactics like intermittent reinforcement, love bombing, or reminding you of the “good times.”
   Example: They’ll message you sweet things out of the blue, hoping to reignite your attachment before pulling away again.

How to Deal with a Covert Narcissist Discard?

1. Recognize the patterns
   The first step is acknowledging the situation for what it is. Educate yourself on covert narcissism and its manipulation tactics to protect yourself emotionally.
2. Validate your feelings
   It’s important to acknowledge the pain and confusion you’re feeling. This isn’t your fault, it’s part of the narcissist’s cycle.
3. Establish healthy boundaries
   Covert narcissists will try to manipulate and hoover you back. Set firm boundaries and stick to them.
4. Focus on self-care
   Engage in activities that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental health. Surround yourself with people who support and care for you.
5. Challenge negative self-talk
   Covert narcissists have a way of undermining your self-esteem. Counteract their negative influence by reminding yourself of your worth.
6. Avoid seeking closure from them
   Covert narcissists rarely provide the closure you seek. Instead, find closure within yourself by accepting the reality of the situation and focusing on your healing.
7. Engage in self-reflection
   Use this experience to reflect on the relationship and identify any patterns that may have attracted you to the narcissist. This will help you establish healthier boundaries in the future.

Conclusion

The discard phase of a covert narcissist relationship can be emotionally devastating. But it’s important to remember that their behavior is a reflection of their own insecurities, not your worth. By recognizing the signs, setting boundaries, and focusing on your own well-being, you can heal and move forward from the manipulation.

Photo by Zachary Keimig on Unsplash