When Love Feels Like a Dream – And Turns Into a Lesson

I’m Not a Psychologist, Just a Human With Scars That Teach

Disclaimer: I’m not a therapist or a professional in psychology.
But I’ve been through some shit. I’ve survived things that tore me apart, and I’ve spent years putting myself back together piece by piece. Slowly. Messily. Honestly.

I’ve learned through experience, and then through self-education, reading, researching, obsessively digging into trauma, narcissistic abuse, codependency, emotional immaturity… all the things that I never knew had names, but felt deep in my soul.

And I write about these things, not because I know it all, but because I’ve lived it. I’m still healing from narcissistic abuse from partners, from connections that felt magical at first and then almost destroyed me. I share these stories because maybe, just maybe, someone else will feel less alone.

That Person Who Feels Like the Sun

Have you ever met someone who lit up your whole world?

Someone whose presence felt like an oasis after years of walking through a desert?
Their voice makes your heart skip, their words feel like poetry meant only for you. You crave being around them, hearing from them, being seen by them, touching their skin, getting lost in their gaze. It’s like falling into light after a lifetime in the dark.

They reflect something beautiful back to you, and suddenly, you like yourself more.
You feel lighter, brighter, like sunshine is pouring out of you.
Loving them makes you love yourself… and that’s intoxicating.

And maybe, just maybe, you start to feel addicted to the feeling.
But not in a toxic way, not yet. It feels healing, natural, like it’s waking something in you that was frozen.

Self-Love Through Someone Else’s Eyes

It’s not that you couldn’t learn to love yourself alone. Of course, you could. But let’s be honest, sometimes self-love feels like trying to assemble IKEA furniture with a broken Allen key and instructions written in invisible ink.

We’re taught to criticize ourselves constantly.
We don’t even notice we’re doing it, it’s automatic.
We poke, prod, fix, adjust, compare, compete, strive, and when we do feel proud of ourselves, something or someone comes along and ruins the moment.

So, when someone makes you feel special? When they make you feel good in your own skin?
It’s natural to want more of that. To cling to that.
To believe you’ve finally found something real.

When You Love So Hard, It Starts To Look Like Love Bombing

I’ll admit it, I’ve love-bombed.
Not in a manipulative way, but in that overwhelming, I ’ve-been-starving-for-connection-and-you ’re-my-favorite-meal kind of way.

And yeah, I’ve been love-bombed too, by narcissists.
It started the same way: intense passion, flattery, 24/7 attention, soul mate vibes.
But theirs wasn’t a connection. It was control.

The difference?

When I loved someone that way, I meant it. I wanted to build something. I was just so full of feeling, I didn’t know how to contain it.
When a narcissist love bombs you, it’s often more about fantasy than reality. They need you to reflect back their ideal self. You’re not a person, you’re a mirror.

Understanding Narcissism: What I’ve Learned The Hard Way

I’ve spent years trying to figure out what the hell happened to me. Why was I drawn to people who later tore me apart? Why I kept seeing red flags and convincing myself they were pink with glitter.

And one of the most painful truths?
I recognized parts of myself in the narcissists I loved.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a narcissist. But I’ve seen how easy it is to idealize someone. To project your deepest needs onto them. To chase fantasy instead of reality.

What narcissists do to us- manipulate, project, idealize, and discard – is a distorted version of things many of us do too, especially when we’re wounded and afraid.

The Child That Never Grew Up

The image that stuck with me is from Interview with the Vampire:
The child turned into a vampire, trapped in a child’s body forever, aging on the inside but stuck in place. That’s what narcissists are like. Emotionally stunted. They age, but they never really grow up.

They’re stuck in their original wound, the moment they learned love was conditional. And they’ve been chasing someone to “complete” them ever since. You become that person, until you fail their impossible expectations… and then you’re the enemy.

Romance or Delusion? Narcissists & the Fantasy Trap

Narcissists don’t just love you, they put you on a pedestal.
You become their rainbow unicorn, their miracle.
Their favorite fantasy. Their escape route from the pain they refuse to face.

They don’t fall in love with you; they fall in love with what you represent to them.

And when you stop being magical (when you show your humanness), they turn cold. Or cruel. Or vanish.

The Real Red Flag? That We Didn’t Love Ourselves Enough

The hardest pill I had to swallow?
The narcissist didn’t betray me.
I betrayed myself by ignoring my gut, abandoning my needs, my boundaries, and romanticizing pain because it felt familiar.

I stayed too long. Gave too much. Lost too much.
And yeah… I’m still angry at them. But I’m learning to stop making myself the villain in my own story.

We All Have Narcissistic Traits – That Doesn’t Make Us Toxic

Here’s the thing: All humans have narcissistic traits. It’s part of development. The difference is, healthy people grow out of it.
Narcissists don’t.

They stay in a childlike state of “me first, always.”
And if you challenge that? You become their enemy.
But if you understand that, if you stop making it about how awful they are, and start looking at how you respond, how you tolerate, how you seek approval, that’s where the healing begins.

From Oasis to Desert: When the Illusion Fades

Being loved by a narcissist feels like paradise.
Leaving them feels like being dropped into a wasteland.

You start to doubt everything.
Not just them, but yourself.
Your intuition. Your worth. Your sanity.

You can’t trust anyone. Every oasis feels like a mirage.
That’s what trauma does: it scrambles the compass.

Resetting My Emotional Thermostat

The best thing I ever did?
I love bombed myself.

Not the manipulative kind.
But the kind where I give myself time, attention, compassion, freedom.
Where I parent my inner child. Where I choose myself every damn day, even when I feel unworthy.

That’s how you heal.

Not by obsessing over narcissists.
But by getting to know yourself. Rebuilding trust with the one person who’s always been with you: you.

Final Thoughts: The Narcissist Isn’t the Ending – You Are

Getting involved with a narcissist shattered me.
But it also woke me up.

To my pain.
To my patterns.
To my worth.

So if you’re here, heart cracked open, wondering how you got fooled: I see you.
It’s not because you’re weak. It’s because you’re human.
And healing doesn’t mean erasing the past. It means understanding it.

You’re not a victim.
You’re a survivor.
And this story? It’s still being written by you.

Photo by Dana Sarsenbekova on Unsplash