Empaths & Narcissists: Why They’re Drawn to Us, and How We Take Our Power Back
I wish this were just a theory to me. But it’s not. I’ve lived it. Probably more than once.f
Being an empath is both a gift and a curse. You feel deeply. You see behind the masks. You want to love people into healing. But when a narcissist walks into your life, they don’t see your empathy as a gift; they see it as an opportunity.
Why Narcissists Are Attracted to Empaths
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: Narcissists are drawn to empaths like moths to a flame. Not because they want love, but because they crave control. They feed off our energy, kindness, and care like vampires feeding off light.
I used to think, “If I just love harder, explain better, stay patient… he’ll finally see I’m not the enemy.” Nope. All I got was drained, blamed, and walking on eggshells daily.
The top 5 reasons narcissists love targeting people like us:
1. We’re Highly Emotionally Intelligent
We pick up on subtle shifts in mood, tone, body language, sometimes before the person even realizes it themselves. And instead of pulling back, we lean in. “Are you okay?” becomes our anthem. The narcissist? They use that radar to manipulate us, to make us the caretaker of their chaos.
2. We’re Great Listeners
Sometimes I catch myself listening so intently to someone else’s story that I forget I exist, too. Narcissists love that. You become their free therapist, emotional sponge, and personal hype squad, all in one.
3. We Crave Deep Emotional Connection
We don’t do surface-level. We want soul-bonding. But that hunger for connection can blind us to red flags. I ignored gut feelings, excused bad behavior, and told myself, “He’s just hurt.” No, he was hurting me.
4. We Blame Ourselves First
Ever been gaslit so hard you apologize for things you didn’t even do? Yeah. Same. Empaths often struggle with internalized guilt. Narcissists exploit that. You end up justifying your tears and their tantrums.
5. We’re Easy to Rattle – Because We Care
Empaths don’t just hear anger; we feel it. We internalize it. A single cold message can ruin our whole day. Narcissists thrive on your reactions. That’s their supply.
The Narcissist’s False Self: A Mask for Every Occasion
Let’s talk about masks. No, not the skincare kind (although those would be less dangerous).
Narcissists have a whole wardrobe of false identities:
- The Victim: “Poor me. No one understands me like you do.” Indicates guilt-trip.
- The Clown: Sarcastic, charming, always twisting pain into a joke. You’re laughing, until you’re not.
- The Storyteller: So charismatic, you ignore that every tale revolves around how amazing they are.
- The Intellectual: The ones who’ll monologue you into emotional submission.
- The Stoic: Unbothered, unreadable, and utterly unavailable.
Each mask is a tool. A costume to get what they want. And empaths? We try to love the person underneath the mask, not realizing sometimes… there’s no real self left to reach.
The Dangerous Dance: Empaths and Codependency
Now let’s talk about the messiest cocktail: empathy + codependency.
There was a time I needed love so badly, I forgot I deserved it too. I confused patience with permission. I excused emotional abuse because “he’s been through a lot.” I thought love meant endurance.
It doesn’t.
Love without self-love is survival, not connection.
When you mix deep empathy with a shaky sense of self-worth, you become the perfect storm for a narcissist’s manipulation. They don’t just walk through your boundaries; they set up camp and build a throne.
How to Starve the Narcissist and Reclaim Your Power
This is where the story flips. Because no matter how lost you feel, you can get your power back. I’m doing it. Every day. It’s messy, nonlinear, and yes, sometimes lonely—but it’s worth it.
1. Heal Your Shame
For years, I carried shame like a second skin. Shame for being “too much,” for “not being enough,” for staying too long, for walking away too late. Healing shame means naming it. Talking to it. Saying, “You’re not mine to carry anymore.”
2. Come Back to Yourself
Narcissists disconnect you from your own reality. They make you doubt your thoughts, your memories, your instincts. Rebuilding that inner compass takes time. Start small. Feel your feelings. Speak your truth. Even if your voice shakes.
3. Emotional Regulation Is Freedom
Before, I’d spiral with every angry text or cold shoulder. Now? I write. I breathe. I talk to people who make me feel sane. Emotions are just signals, not commands.
4. Rebuild Your Self-Esteem (No, Seriously)
Learn what makes you you. Take that dance class. Start a blog (hello!). Create art, music, anything that lets your real self speak again.
5. Learn to Say “No” Without Guilt
“No” is a complete sentence. I’m still practicing this one. But every time I say it without justifying, explaining, or apologizing, I feel a piece of myself return.
6. Build Better Boundaries
Boundaries aren’t walls, they’re doors with locks. You choose who comes in, and on what terms. And guess what? Saying “I need space” is self-respect.
7. Find Your Passion Again
Narcissists make your world small. Finding what lights you up: gaming, reading, horror movies, writing… reconnects you with joy. They don’t get to take that from you.
When You Leave the Narcissist…
You’ll grieve. You’ll doubt. You’ll want to go back. Don’t. That’s the trauma bond talking.
Eventually, you’ll breathe easier. You’ll laugh without fear. You’ll realize silence doesn’t mean danger. And slowly, you’ll remember: you were never broken, just brokenhearted.
Final Thoughts
You don’t need to earn love. You don’t have to shrink to be safe. You don’t need to prove your worth to someone who only sees you as a mirror.
If you’re an empath recovering from narcissistic abuse, be gentle with yourself. The healing isn’t a straight line, but it’s worth every messy step.
You’re allowed to put yourself first.
