Okay to Not be Okay. Really!
Sometimes it feels like society expects us to be happy all the time, like showing sadness is some kind of weakness.
What the fuck? Seriously.
If you bottled up all your sadness and anger, you’d eventually explode.
We all have good and bad days.
No one is perfectly happy all the time. That’s not human.
One day I feel on top of the world, the next I’m falling apart.
Dealing with the pressure to always seem happy is exhausting.
Sometimes when I’m feeling low, I wear a mask to hide the darkness behind the smile.
I’m tired, completely and utterly tired.
Actually… I’m beyond tired. I’m exhausted from pretending to be okay when I’m not.
I wish I didn’t have to hide it for so long.
I wish people would stop judging and start understanding.
Some weeks are better than others.
Some weeks, I feel empty.
So emotionless, so drained by my own relentless thoughts, that it feels like dying might be easier than living with the emotional chaos I feel trapped in.
I know that’s not okay, but it’s what I hear in my mind as I go through the motions.
And that’s not okay.
Let me be clear, it’s okay that I’m not okay.
It’s okay to admit I’m not perfect.
But pretending I’m strong so no one questions my worth, pretending I’m untouchable just to keep up appearances, that shit doesn’t last forever.
Some days, I force myself out of bed.
Some days, I even manage to do my makeup and hair so well that I almost believe I’m fine.
Other days, I can barely hold a thought without bursting into tears.
I don’t know if things will ever go back to the way they were.
What I do know is that admitting to myself that I’m not doing okay… that was the hardest part.
But why?
Why do we always feel the need to be strong?
Why do we feel guilty for taking a time-out?
I’ve felt so much guilt – for crying, for struggling, for feeling sorry for myself when I “should” be grateful.
It’s not okay that life made me feel like I have to take a deep breath and remind myself it’s okay not to be okay.
What matters most now is giving myself permission to heal.
To let “not okay” eventually become “okay.”
To stop feeling guilty for being lonely, unmotivated, or lost – because I’m not the only one who feels this way.
Reminder to myself (and to you):
Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing.
Remember: we all know what it’s like to not be okay – even if most of us don’t talk about it.
These feelings are normal. We all go through this sometimes.
Is it fun? Fuck no.
But it doesn’t last forever.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: The more you resist feeling “bad,” the worse you feel. Yes, keep trying to get better, but don’t force it.
Let yourself heal. Be patient. Bad days are like passing clouds. You can’t see the sun, but it’s still there. And it always comes back out.
Take care of yourself in the small ways.
Get off the couch. Take a shower. Do a load of laundry. Make your bed.
You don’t need to crush every chore, but even the smallest routines can help pull you out of that dark spiral.
When you’re in that funk, it’s easy to start blaming yourself or everyone else.
But no matter what you’re going through, try to forgive.
Forgive yourself.
Forgive others.
We all tend to be too hard on ourselves, replaying what-ifs and overthinking things that already happened.
It’s okay to not be okay.
You’re allowed to change your mind.
You’re allowed to take a break.
You’re allowed to walk away from people or situations that don’t feel right.
There’s no shame in any of that.
And there’s definitely no shame in feeling bad.
We should all be allowed to fall apart sometimes…
So we can find ourselves again.
Because if you want the rainbow –
You’ve got to put up with the rain.
I haven’t been writing on this blog in months.
I need to start again, not for anyone else, but for me.
Because writing makes me feel better. ♥
