Dear Self, Stay Strong

When I was a kid, I was very naive and trusted a lot of people. If they needed help, I never hesitated, neglecting my own issues to help out. Even now as an adult I still do that. Whenever people need me, I’m always there for them. I shouldn’t but I have a hard time saying no and, sometimes I feel like everyone takes me for granted and doesn’t care about me or my feelings.
It’s so fucking frustrating and gets me down every time. Keeping my sanity is an everyday battle. The only ones that keep me sane are my family (mom and brother) and my pets.

Lately, I’ve been feeling so depressed. It feels like it’s getting worse and never getting better. Someone even had the courage to ask me: Why are you so depressed?
That is the absolute most bullshit way of approaching the depression topic. Most people suffering from depression don’t have a reason or cause other than it is a medical condition. Most of us that deal with this horrible thing called depression live believing that our situation is our fault. Do you know how hard it is to hear that we are an over-emotional clown? You are being dramatic. Other people have worse…
Please people, educate yourself.

I’m hurting and nobody notices. No one asks if I’m ok. Not once has someone spoken up yet and said maybe we don’t know what she going through. No one even cares to think how it would be to walk in my shoes. We are living in a world where nobody thinks about being in other people’s positions. A world where people are only focused to get likes on their pictures living a “fake life”.
Have I asked for help? Yes, so many times. Whenever I try to open up to someone about my issues, feelings, or whatever is going on in my head people just belittle it. Even my doctor gave up on me because they didn’t see any “progress” and I didn’t want to try another type of medication. I’ve done that before, It didn’t help and I’m not a lab rat. I feel lost, and tired of finding other ways to numb these feelings.
Listening to music, playing video games, reading books, going for a walk, sleeping… crying myself to sleep…
I’d never end my life, I’m not a quitter. But the thoughts are always there with all the “what ifs”.

I wish I go back in time and hug myself. Yes, I would go back and hug my younger self, I would reassure her and tell her there is life after abuse, and that she would become a strong woman spite all that she will go through. I would tell her to stop people-pleasing because she can’t really trust anyone but herself.
Chase your dreams little one and stop for nothing.

She has been through hell, so believe me when I say, fear her when she looks into a fire and smiles.

― Darynda Jones, Eleventh Grave in Moonlight