Goodbye, Sunny

My cat Sunny died. He was almost 5 years old, and he lived a good life.

On the afternoon of the 5 of July, I found him outside lying on the floor and looking strange, and it seemed like he couldn’t use his legs to stand up. His eyes were rolling inside and he was lethargic. It was too late, I knew he was suffering and that he would die one way or another. I called the vet and was told It could have been many things. Maybe a stroke, or a brain tumor that had finally grown to a size where it was impinging on the motor areas in his brain, perhaps he ate something he wasn’t supposed to, or being hit by a car. But we’ll never know for sure.

While trying to decide on the right thing to do, we fed him wet food, gave him water, helped him stand, stroked, and comforted him a whole bunch. Eventually, we made the excruciating decision to end his life. I’m not gonna write the details, because it traumatized me.
I wrapped Sunny’s body in a blanket, buried him in the garden, and planted some flowers over his resting spot.

Sunny was a good boy, he could be annoying sometimes, waking us up at 5 AM to get inside and fill his belly with food. He wasn’t a lazy house cat. Those that just want to eat, and sleep, poop and repeat. He had this wilderness in him, he needed to be outside, exploring every inch of all the farmland around us. He had many cat friends, one in particular (a very dark furry one) would come to our garden and wait for him so they could go on their adventures. Sometimes he would disappear for days, usually in the summer, and come back home like nothing happened with a huge appetite. He’d eat, and go out again.

The day he appeared in our life was on the evening of 18 December 2019. We were already in bed when we heard a kitten “crying” outside. It was raining and cold. Of course, it was winter. I went outside to check it out and I saw the cutest little kitten, afraid but fierce at the same time. I took him in, fed him, and let him stay in a little box.
The next morning I had to leave him outside, in tears because I thought he wouldn’t come back, but he came back. And he kept coming back, always and each time bringing more joy and making our hearts warm.
Misty, our dog, loved her little brother so much. They played together, slept near each other and they never fought.
His name, Sunny, was chosen because I thought he was a female cat. It turned out I was wrong, but we kept the name since it fit him well. He had a bunch of nicknames. Sunny, Sun, Sunu, Nuno, Nino, Prrr Meow, Veryy Good Bad Boy, Little Tiger, and many more that are too embarrassing to write here. (Yes, they are even more embarrassing than the ones I listed). 

Anyways… Sunny was loved by everyone. We made so many memories together.
Before you all think I’ve gone off the deep end, hear me out. I’m a big believer in writing letters to people who have passed, as a means of clarity and catharsis. I know we are talking about a cat, he can’t and will never read it. But I need to get it out. My heart aches for him and I truly didn’t know how much this would affect me until it happened. So please, bear with me as I say the last words I didn’t get to say to Sunny before he passed

My dearest Sunny,

I have been crying pretty much nonstop since you have been gone. There is a hole in my heart that only you could fill, and I miss you so much it hurts. This was one of the most painful goodbyes I’ve ever experienced, and I’m having trouble finding the words to express how much you meant to me. But damn it I will try.

There are a few things I would have loved to say to you before you left, and if there is internet over the Rainbow Bridge, I hope this finds you (perhaps while you’re eating your favorite food).

When I said goodbye to you, I lost a bit of myself, a friend, and a family member. I couldn’t even breathe. You looked so sad, so weak, and yet, so sweet at the same time. It hurt me so much to see you suffer. You deserved the very best life, and I did my best to give you that.
All I wanted to do was pick you up in my arms, and squeeze you as tight as I could, just one last time.

When I said goodbye to you, you couldn’t even walk. I was carrying you everywhere, just to make sure you had company and knew how much I loved you. But each and every time I did it, it broke my heart a little bit more. You seemed so frail and exhausted. The wide-eyed, hungry, fierce little guy that I fell in love with seemed to be gone for good. Out of our almost 5 years together, this was the first time I didn’t know how to fix you, and I knew it was your time to leave me.

When I said goodbye to you, your eyes couldn’t even find me, and I was standing right in front of you. You never showed me the pain you were in, and I will never really know how long you suffered for, but I hope it wasn’t long. I will probably beat myself up for this for quite a while. Seeing you like that didn’t feel right anymore. I would give anything to have you healthy again, sitting on my lap, begging for food (even though you were just fed).

When I said goodbye to you, I remembered the first day you came into my life. A tiny little kitten crouched and quivering in the corner of my garden, meowing incessantly. You were so scared, cold, wet and hungry. I don’t even remember how it happened, but your name just fell out of my mouth. I said quietly, “Sunny, come over here”, and you did. You turned slowly, walked over and sat in my lap for half an hour until my legs went numb. From that moment, I was in love.

I woke up this morning and imagined you meowing outside, asking to get in. I went into the kitchen, looked outside and there was no one. Now, I sit here in the dark writing this post, knowing that if you were still here, you’d be snuggled by the window watching the cars pass by.

I will forever be thankful for you. You were a special, sweet, and brave. Never messed up with my plants. Never did anything naughty in the house. Always did your business outside the house, no mather what weather we had. So polite.

I wasn’t ready for you to go. But I’ve learned that you can never be prepared to lose someone you love. I hope you are in pet heaven, together with all the fur babies that I had in my life. Lucky (dog), Baby (dog), the guinea pigs Chico, Chiquinho, Brownie and Beaver.
You brought so much love and joy into my life, and I’ll always cherish the memories we shared together.  Although you’re no longer here with me, I know that you’re still with me in spirit. Your memory will always be a source of comfort and strength.
Rest in Piece my little ginger prrr Sunny Bun Bun. Mamãe te ama muito ♥