Mental Health: Boundaries and Why is so Important

In any type of relationship—be it romantic, family, or friendship—boundaries play a crucial role in maintaining healthy interactions and mutual respect. Setting and respecting boundaries can help establish a sense of safety and trust, enabling individuals to communicate openly and honestly. This article explores the importance of boundaries in any relationship, their benefits, and how to effectively establish them.

Do healthy relationships have boundaries? YES. YES. YES! All healthy relationships need boundaries. It doesn’t matter if the healthy relationship is between you and your parents, children, spouse, partner, sibling, coworker, neighbor, etc. We all need boundaries to live healthy lives.

I was always taught that being “good” meant putting everyone else’s needs before my own. I was taught that to do anything less was “selfish”. And is there a dirtier word out there than “selfish”? So, when I started learning about boundaries and began to put them into place in my life, in the beginning, I felt cruel, heartless, and ashamed.

I felt like I was going to hyperventilate when I first tried to say, “I understand that’s what you want, but that doesn’t work for me.” But that’s what it takes. By the way, you will never be able to truly love yourself or prioritize your own goals if you do not set boundaries. So yes, we all gotta learn this skill. 

There’s a lot to be said and a lot to learn about boundaries. In this article, I’m going to discuss the importance of healthy boundaries, provide examples of healthy and unhealthy boundaries, and share strategies for how you can establish boundaries for yourself once and for all!

What Are Healthy Boundaries and Why Are They Important?

Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules, or limits a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe, and permissible ways for other people to behave around them and how they will respond when someone violates those boundaries. Unfortunately, many of us—myself included—didn’t have excellent role models when it came to boundaries. But that doesn’t mean we can’t learn how to set healthy boundaries ourselves! 

Boundaries help separate us from other people. They help us craft our own identity and give us space to be ourselves. Boundaries are needed to maintain your mental and emotional health, and they prevent burnout that comes from people-pleasing, being too giving, and putting everyone’s needs before your own. Does anyone else feel completely exhausted by the needs and wants of the people in your life? Yep! I’ve been there so many times too, and much of that boiled down to not having clear boundaries between myself and others.

And without clear boundaries, it’s easy to forget where you end and another person begins. It’s easy to forget that your decisions are your decisions, your desires are your desires, and so on. It’s easy to forget when your boundaries have been blurry that you have a right to be—and are—a whole complete human being unto yourself. 

Setting your boundaries and ensuring those around you (including your loved ones!) respect them is no small task, and it often sends people running in the other direction. So, let’s discuss why they are so important.

Prevent Burnout

When you don’t have established personal boundaries (because you don’t know what they are or where to start), it’s easy to get burnt out saying yes to everything and everyone. Without boundaries, people and the outside world intrude. It’s why houses have doors. Without a door, suddenly, your living room becomes your neighbor’s living room. Without personal boundaries protecting your energy and well-being, it’s easy to get sucked into feeling and believing that your energy is everyone else’s energy—to be used and exploited on a whim. 

Burnout is serious, and it cruelly affects our mental health. When you’re burnt out, you’re prone to sudden mood swings, 24/7 fatigue, and exhaustion that no amount of sleep can fix, loneliness and detachment, and steady feelings of grumpiness, indifference, and resentment. 

Being burnt out also means you’re more prone to getting sick. And a stuffy nose is no cure for the grumps!  

Avoid Anger and Resentment

Eventually, your burnout and stress can boil over into anger and resentment. You might lash out and find yourself not acting like your nice, sweet self, which can easily cause feelings of guilt and shame, making you feel like a monster. And this behavior can seem amplified in the eyes of your family, lover, friends, and coworkers because they’re used to you always being so nice and saying yes to everything.

For example, when you’re organizing a family get-together and your brother asks you to cover the side dish he was responsible for. You find yourself thinking, and then almost screaming, Leave me ALONE! Do it YOURSELF!

People may begin to feel like they need to walk on eggshells around you so they don’t provoke your anger, which will leave you feeling more lonely and detached than you already do. On one hand, you feel horrible, but on the other, you feel justified. Neither makes you feel good or kind or loving.

It’s better for everyone that you prioritize your boundaries before it gets to this point. Because of course, you don’t mind helping—you love your family and friends, and making a co-worker or boss shine puts a smile on your face every time. But enough is enough! Prioritize your boundaries so that you don’t lose sight of who you are. You’re not a grouch; you’re a loving person, a loyal friend, a dedicated coworker, a caring girlfriend/boyfriend—but you can’t be everything at once for all time. You’ll be no good to anyone if you’re running on fumes.

Develop a Personal Identity 

Here’s the truth. Without strong personal boundaries, you don’t have any personal autonomy, which means you won’t know where you start and where your family, lover, and friends begin. You’re not Barbara; you’re Bianca’s friend. You’re not Rose; you’re your company’s best employee. 

You may be those things, but you’re YOU before you are anything else. What do you like? What don’t you like? How do you prefer people to speak to you? At what time of day would you prefer people to reach out to you? How close can people stand to you? What nights of the week do you prefer to go out? Do you prefer tea or coffee? Do you like to host people at your house?

These are all simple things that shape a person’s personality and identity. If you don’t have any boundaries, then you become a chameleon, changing based on whoever you’re around. If you always say you don’t mind, people will believe you. They’ll decide what you do, what you eat, what you watch, what you read, and everything else. Your personal boundaries are what makes you the unique person that you are. 

It’s not selfish to have boundaries. In fact, it’s selfish NOT to have boundaries. Because if you’re not willing to care for yourself and your needs by putting healthy boundaries in place, you’re not helping others help you. 

You’re not giving people clear signals about what works for you, what makes you happy, what you like or don’t. They too are left having to guess, and since they don’t know what to guess, they guess based on what makes their life easy because let’s face it—you don’t seem to care either way. Because that’s what boundaries are: signals to the world that you respect, care for and love yourself. 

So come on. Say this with me: 

“I am not selfish for setting boundaries.” 

“I am NOT selfish for setting boundaries!”

“I AM NOT SELFISH FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES!” 

So, now that we know how necessary boundaries are for our health as well as the well-being of our friends, family, lovers, coworkers, and everyone else, what are some healthy boundaries that we can set for ourselves? 

What are Examples of Healthy Boundaries?

Boundaries are different than needs. You must ensure your needs are met in order to live a happy and fulfilling life. Boundaries are like a line in the sand. They are declarations of the things you will absolutely not stand for.

I have a list of boundaries that I continually add to whenever my boundaries are infringed upon. I encourage you to make a list like this too. What basic boundaries do you want to put in place with the people around you? Yep—the people you love count too. In fact, the people you love are the most likely to overstep or violate your boundaries. Here are some of the examples of my list:

YOU MAY NOT:

1. Call me names. 
2. Ridicule or belittle me in private or public. 
3. Lie to me. 
4. Hit me or physically hurt me in any way. 
5. Be unfaithful to me. 
6. Spy on me. 
7. Say things that are purposely designed to make me doubt whether I am sane or normal. 
8. Use traumas in my past to emotionally manipulate me. 
9. Pressure me to cut ties with my family or friends. 
10. Stonewall me—refuse to communicate. 
11. Undermine me at my work or with my family or friends. 
12. Be overly critical, implying I don’t do anything right. 
13. Force me to have sex when I don’t want to. 
14. Blame me for the state of your life. 
15. Intimidate or threaten me.
16. Control what I do, where I go, what I dress.

Your list might not be the same, but it’s a good place to start. What boundaries from this list resonate with you? What boundaries that are important to you are missing from this list? 

A good place to begin is to think about times when your boundaries were crossed. Let’s look at some signs of unhealthy boundaries.

Signs You Have Unhealthy Boundaries

• You don’t have any time to yourself.
• You have trouble separating your own identity from your family’s, friends, and romantic relationships.
• You feel burnt out.
• You lack the time and energy to pursue your dreams.
• You say yes whenever anyone asks you to do something.
• When you say no to anyone, you feel gut-wrenching guilt about it.
• People in your life call you names or speak down to you and you say nothing.
• People in your life know how to get exactly what they want from you. 
• You think sex is your duty.
• You feel angry or resentful when someone else asks something of you.
• You rarely set boundaries and don’t know what your basic boundaries are. 

These are clearly unhealthy ways of living, but unfortunately, so many of us fall into these patterns. So, how do we break free from these patterns? Let’s talk about how to establish healthy boundaries in your life.

How to Establish Healthy Boundaries

You can hope all you want that the people around you will be respectful and have healthy boundaries, but only you can make sure you get the boundaries you need. 

When was the last time you had space just for you? What does your own personal identity look like? Do you even remember what it’s like to separate yourself from your family? When was the last time your needs were met? Yep, I said YOUR NEEDS. Not the needs of your spouse, your children, your parents, friends, or your boss—your needs.

Today, I will share a few important strategies about how you can regain control over your life and claim healthy boundaries between everyone, including those you love.

1. Identify and Prioritize Your Personal Needs

Imagine having all of your needs fulfilled, such as love, trust, safety, respect, honesty, and the like. How would your life be different if you knew what to say and how to say it without feeling consumed by self-doubt? What would it be like to feel powerful, loved, and respected all at once?

Do you know what your needs are? For some of you, the answer may come quickly. You might know immediately what your needs are. You might say, “Scarlet, I need Space, Comfort, Respect, and Support.” Are those needs being met? Do the important people in your life know what your needs are, and do they respect these needs?

If you’re not sure what your needs are, think about what you need in order to be happy and fulfilled. What things in life are most important to you? What makes you want to scream or pull your hair out if you don’t get it from other people? Some common needs include:

• Belonging
• Respect 
• Safety
• Acceptance
• Friendship 
• Harmony
• Trust
• Commitment
• Fairness
• Structure 
• Joy
• Financial Stability
• Success
• Community

Once you know what your most important needs are, you can start to make sure they are being met. You must do this for yourself in order to gain the respect and boundaries you need to live the life your soul intended.

Here’s the truth. If your needs aren’t being met, you are not honoring yourself, and you’re certainly not loving yourself. Earlier in this post, I discussed the risk of falling into anger and resentment. This WILL happen if you don’t ensure your needs are met. 

Repeat after me:

“My needs matter.”

“My needs are important.”

“My needs are just as important as anyone else’s.”

“I must ensure my needs are met.”

You need to take responsibility for making sure your own needs are met. If you don’t do this, no one else will. And establishing a basic list of boundaries can help. And don’t worry; this doesn’t mean you won’t care for others in their time of need.

2. Establish a List of Basic Boundaries

While we might think we will remember what our basic boundaries are, writing them down and creating a hard list gives us something to fall back on when things in our lives get tough. When things get messy and complicated (and they always do!), you can look back on your list of boundaries to ensure you aren’t letting those old bad habits creep back into your life. 

Your boundaries are the line in the sand that you will not allow to be crossed. What are the consequences of having your boundaries crossed? These are just as important. Depending on the boundary that’s been crossed, this could mean seeing some people in your life less or cutting someone out of your life entirely. 

If someone calls you names, spies on you tries to control you, separates you from family or friends, is unfaithful to you, or any number of terrible things that cross your basic boundaries, they need to know about it. I know how difficult it can be to speak up to people in your life, especially those you care about, but you need to care about yourself too. I know it feels like you’re “confronting” them or being “mean”, but it only feels like a confrontation because you aren’t skilled at it yet. With practice, it will no longer be scary; instead, it will feel exhilarating and empowering.

3. Learn How to Say No

People will keep asking and demanding and taking from you until you learn when and how to say no.

Wait a minute… Shouldn’t I be giving back to others? Don’t I need to say yes to my friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, or parents in order to be seen as a good person?  “Your ‘Yes’ means nothing if you can’t say ‘No’.” 

When was the last time you said yes when you really wanted to say no? What was the cost of saying yes? Was there an immediate cost? Were there other less immediate costs that built up over time, like your mental health, lack of personal boundaries, or state of mind? The yes’s all add up. Long term, all of the times you say yes (when you really want to say no) can lead to you no longer having your own identity, living with anger and resentment, or total burnout.

All too often, our “yes” comes from a place of fear. We are scared of what will happen if we say no. We’re afraid people won’t see us as kind and selfless. We’re afraid of the response we’ll receive back. We’re afraid our self-esteem will diminish if we aren’t able to give everything to our loved ones. We’re afraid our family won’t love us as much if we say no. 

We want to say yes because we want to be the hero. We want to be the favorite person who dropped everything to help with a move.

For your own health and well-being, you need to be able to say no, even (and especially!) to those you love. Saying yes all the time leads to fatigue, stress, irritability, and burnout. And in the end, what you were trying to avoid will happen. You will become unpleasant, unhappy, and unhealthy, which will alienate and push away the people you care about most. Being able to say no will establish healthy boundaries between you and the people you love.

Try this. Next time you are asked to do something, stop and think about it first. Say you will get back to that person tomorrow. Yes. Tomorrow… Don’t give up your time that easily by answering “yes” right away. Consult your calendar first. Can you realistically fit something else into your calendar? Next, take a deeper look at your own goals. Will their ask infringe on your own needs, goals, or health?

4. Communicate Effectively

It really all comes down to communication. No one is going to express your needs for you. And why is that? Because no one is able to read your mind! 

Are you communicating your needs effectively? Do your loved ones understand your boundaries? Do they even know you have boundaries? You need to communicate. Open up and speak to the people you care about. Share what your boundaries are and why they are important to you. This is a good time to ask about their boundaries as well.

To establish boundaries with anyone in your life, you need to communicate them effectively. The key word here is “effectively”. Losing your temper and shouting about your boundaries only to walk back your outburst a few hours or a day later is not effective. Expressing yourself in this way makes it easy for people to dismiss what you say and chalk it up to a tantrum. 

5. Stay the Course Through the Uncomfortable

If you’re anything like me (and I’m sure many of you are!) boundaries weren’t something you learned growing up. So don’t be surprised if you feel guilty or ashamed when you first start speaking up for yourself. The first time you try something is never comfortable. It’s a new experience that you will need to get used to, and your body may not cooperate right away. 

You may know in your head that you’re doing the right thing, but your hands may start to shake. You may start to cry. Your heart may start to race. All of these things are trying to convince you that you need to stop what you’re doing right now or else you will melt down. 

But you are doing nothing wrong. Your body is responding to your brain creating a new neural pathway. Your brain has been wired to behave in a certain way for so long that deviating from that path is a complete shock to the system. 

No matter how harshly your body is telling you to stop speaking, how sweaty your palms are getting, or how much you may feel like throwing up, you must stay the course. 

Fear just wants you to shut up. Do not listen! 

Healthy boundaries are so incredibly important. They affect your health, identity, and ability to love yourself. Stay the course and honor the boundaries you need and want.

How Do You Respect Healthy Boundaries for Other People?

Respecting healthy boundaries for others is key to maintaining positive and meaningful relationships. Here’s how you can do it:

1. Understand and Acknowledge Boundaries

• Pay attention to verbal and non-verbal cues.
• If someone sets a boundary, accept it without questioning or pressuring them.

2. Communicate Openly

• If you’re unsure about someone’s limits, ask respectfully.
• Use active listening to show you value their perspective.

3. Respect Personal Space and Privacy

• Give people physical and emotional space when needed.
• Avoid prying into personal matters unless they willingly share.

4. Accept “No” Without Taking It Personally

• If someone declines an invitation or request, respect their decision.
• Don’t guilt-trip or try to change their mind.

5. Be Mindful of Emotional Boundaries

• Don’t force people to share things they’re uncomfortable with.
• Avoid projecting your emotions onto them.

6. Honor Time and Commitments

• Don’t assume others are always available for you.
• Be punctual and respect their time as much as you value yours.

7. Set and Respect Digital Boundaries

• Don’t demand instant replies to texts or messages.
• Respect their decision to take social media breaks or limit online interactions.

8. Be Supportive Without Overstepping

• Offer help, but don’t insist if they decline.
• Recognize the difference between being helpful and being intrusive.

9. Apologize When Necessary

• If you accidentally cross a boundary, acknowledge it and apologize.
• Show through your actions that you respect their limits.

10. Lead by Example

• Set and enforce your own boundaries so others feel comfortable doing the same.
• Encourage a culture of mutual respect.

Tips On Setting Your Own Boundaries

Here are some key steps to help you establish and maintain them effectively:

1. Identify Your Limits

• Reflect on what makes you feel comfortable or uncomfortable in different situations (physical, emotional, mental, and digital spaces).
• Pay attention to when you feel drained, resentful, or overwhelmed—these are signs that a boundary may be needed.

2. Communicate Clearly

• Use direct and respectful language when setting boundaries.
• Example: Instead of saying, “I don’t like when you call me late at night,” say, “I need to turn off my phone after 9 PM, so I won’t be available to talk then.”

3. Learn to Say No Without Guilt

• You don’t need to justify or over-explain your boundaries.
• A simple “No, I can’t do that” or “I’m not comfortable with that” is enough.

4. Set Boundaries Around Your Time and Energy

• Prioritize activities and people that align with your values.
• Example: If a friend always dumps their problems on you, you can say, “I care about you, but I don’t have the emotional space to talk about this right now.”

5. Use “I” Statements

• Express your needs without blaming others.
• Example: “I feel overwhelmed when I’m expected to respond immediately. I’d appreciate it if you could give me time to reply when I’m free.”

6. Be Consistent

• People may test your boundaries, but standing firm will help reinforce them.
• If you give in too often, others might not take your boundaries seriously.

7. Recognize and Distance Yourself from Toxic Behavior

• If someone constantly disrespects your boundaries, consider limiting your interactions with them.
• Protect your peace by surrounding yourself with supportive people.

8. Set Digital Boundaries

• Don’t feel pressured to always be available online.
• Turn off notifications or set “Do Not Disturb” periods when you need space.

9. Prioritize Self-Care

• Setting boundaries is a form of self-care and self-respect.
• Engage in activities that recharge you and protect your mental well-being.

10. Accept That Not Everyone Will Like Your Boundaries—And That’s Okay

• Some people may react negatively, but that’s a reflection of their needs, not yours.
• You are not responsible for how others feel about your personal boundaries.

The information presented in this post is for informational and entertainment purposes only. Every effort is made to ensure the information presented in the following post is accurate and true, however, it does not replace advice from a medical professional. Always follow your doctor’s instructions and advice first and foremost.