On Turning 39 Years Old: An Open Letter

So here you are.
Almost 40.
Sure it’s just a number, a place between 39 and 41, and yet somehow it seems to be this new place, this almost halfway place on this journey of life. It’s funny how life is sprinkled with these checkmark moments, those places where you reflect on the past and mull over the future to come, and for some reason that 39 number has made you think. Reflect.

I know I don’t have to tell you this, but time feels like it is speeding up exponentially.
It’s easy to race through the days – running from thing to thing to thing and the days of the calendar flutter to the floor in a frenzy leaving you wondering how did time go so fast? Well, truth? Time will simply go fast. I think it multiplies exponentially on the fastness continuum the older one gets. So because of that one must simply force themselves to stop, just for a moment, and breathe. And to look at your story written in this vast world, this collection, of stories that you write with everyone else sharing breaths with you.

You know the Twin Paradox in physics? Where one twin travels at the speed of light and the other is on earth? I’m the first twin traveling the speed of light!
Time is warping, and there is never enough of it. 
What is it about the bridge years that is so hard? I remember feeling this same apathy toward my 29th birthday as well. To be fair, I am actually excited to enter my forties — so that’s not it. Something about moving into a new decade makes me feel optimistic and all warm and fuzzy. But being 39 simply hit me hard.

So now, I have a year until I enter a new decade. What in the world am I going to do? What have I learned?

I’ve learned the moments are the things that matter. I’ve learned that there will be so many moments where I feel like I simply cannot do it, and yet, I pull myself up and just keep going again.
I’ve learned that it’s so easy to cling to all these labels, ideals should do things, maybe didn’t do things, regrets and they pile up just like laundry, and the “basket of life” waiting for you to make sense of them. I’ve wondered about the choices I’ve made in life holding onto all the worries.

I’m flawed. I don’t love everyone and everything, and not everyone loves me. I am getting wrinkles and gray hair, and I refuse to give up wine. I still watch Disney movies and I love unicorns. I am always working on loving myself and living the life that makes me content. I am a work in progress. And I’m cool with that. 

In 40 years from now, I probably won’t care that I had everything perfect. I will care that I decided to give myself grace. I’ll remember the times that I was brave even though inside I was filled with fear. I was brave to keep going. Even on those tired days, normal days, boring days, and challenging days that seem to stretch out into weeks which sometimes feel like months. I’ve been brave, so brave and I’m proud of that.

I’ve learned that it is important to slow down, to smile, and to give others the benefit of the doubt.
I’ve also learned how to speak my mind, stand up for myself, and to make hard choices.

I’ve learned that “Life is what it is“.
Remember that time you thought, “Oh, next year will be different.” Or, “When I just get that job, or marry that guy, or have those kiddos, You will feel whole and complete.” News flash: that didn’t happen, did it? Maybe it’s just me, but the real “whole and complete” feeling has not come to me from acquiring more stuff or meeting more milestones. Those are only momentary rewards. It’s come (and is still developing for me) from the grit and hard work I’ve put into owning my own life, feelings, needs, and aspirations.
It’s come from slowly accepting myself and embracing my gifts and flaws. 

Life is messy. It continually changes, whether you want it to or not. In this 39th year and subsequent decade, my wish for myself is to honor life for what it is and strive for self-empowerment and self-love over perfectionism and judgment.

Growing old isn’t a bad thing.
Growing old happens to all of us.
Life is a journey. A life journey of learning. So now, here I am with just a bit of time before I turn 40.

Live.

That’s what I want you to do.

I want you to live boldly. Without fear. Loving fully. Making a difference. Celebrating every little thing.

You can do it.

Life is not perfect. Your life. Your beautiful imperfect life is filled with extraordinary beautiful normal and sometimes crazy moments.

Start living.

You have life to live.

♥ Thank you for listening to my middle-aged rant. Cheers to what the next year will bring!

Photo by Ty Williams on Unsplash